I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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