All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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