Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
