I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
