His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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