fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
