'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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