Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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