Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
