and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
