My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
