why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
