I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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