I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's blow job season.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
