As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
