i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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