So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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