So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
