My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
