Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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