I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
