I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
