It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
