My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
