I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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