from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize