Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you mean i was at the winter classic?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize