Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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