Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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