Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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