his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
