Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
