it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize