I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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