i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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