I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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