I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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