I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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