Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
