My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
