fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
