I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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