why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
