Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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