i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
