we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
