she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
