I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
