i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
