I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
