You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
