Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
