Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
