I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i think im in europe. pls send help
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
