living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize