Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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