So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
