I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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