How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
